Books & Info
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EXCERPTS FROM FATHERING RIGHT FROM THE START
From the Preface
"From the start, we welcome the blossoming pregnant woman. We celebrate her changing circumstances while dismissing those of her counterpart. We recognize new fathers as germane to the pregnancy, yet not in their own right. We feel awkward approaching "pregnant dads" since we know so little about them. We don’t think to ask them about their feelings, concerns, or dreams. We simply expect them to set their personal matters aside and attend diligently to their partners. We gladly listen as they tell us about their partners´ weight gains and discomfort, but we seldom inquire about their own changes. We fail to recognize that expectant fathers are feeling detached and that, by ignoring them, we push them further out of the picture. No wonder fathers slip so easily into the background of family life, quietly refusing to get involved and deferring more and more to their partners´ wishes as time goes on."
From "Sex and the Pregnant Couple"
"Although sexual routines change during pregnancy, there is no reason to curtain them altogether. Indeed, lovemaking can offer greater enjoyment and satisfaction in the prenatal months than before. Achieving new heights, however, will take patience, clear communication, and a willingness to experiment with different ways of enhancing each other´s pleasure."
From "Postpartum Adjustments"
"Settling in with a newborn is like relocating to a different galaxy. Everything has changed. As once-familiar routines are replaced by the ongoing responsibilities of parenthood, you will realize that no amount of preparation could have equipped you for this trip, and that parenting is not all instinctual. If you expect to carry on the same as before, prepare to be unpleasantly surprised. If right now you feel frustrated or disillusioned with parenthood, join the crowd. When it comes to child rearing, there is no substitute for time, trial and error, and lots of hands-on practice. So forge ahead, and steer clear of comparing, blaming, and self-criticizing. "
From "Is There Sex after Birth?"
"Even the most solid foundations can be rattled by the physiological and psychological changes that rock couples entering parenthood. Sexual spontaneity vanishes, breastfeeding arrives on the scene, and eroticism seems as approachable as the top of Mount Everest in monsoon season. The trick to moving through this stormy time is to realize that you and your partners are in the upheaval together, and that the more you work as a team, avoiding the temptation to dodge issues or to "go it alone," the sooner the turbulence will pass. Now is the time to go to each other to draw strength from your love for each other and inspiration from your mutual love for the child you created together. Although examining the underpinnings of your sexual relationship may be especially delicate right now, it is the perfect way to begin stepping up your fortification efforts."
From "What Our Partners Really Want"
"Let´s face it, we want to please our partners but, much to our surprise, many of the behaviors we think will be pleasing are not well received. One reason for this discrepancy is that, as we now know, we´ve been wired to keep our desires to ourselves and play out hollow roles. Another reason is that few of us have ever been shown how to listen effectively, communicate meaning fully, or "team up" away from the playing field."
From "A Foundation for Teamwork"
"Too often, we jump into growing a family without taking time to prepare a solid foundation for it to rest on. We become so engrossed in imaging and designing our ream home that we skip over the nitty gritty details of making it secure. For our families to thrive we must plan together and work as partners right from the start something nearly every new mother longs for. Successful teamwork evolves naturally as a result of drawing up agreements together, scheduling one-on-one time together, and a handful of other efforts geared toward cementing a solid base for a mutually rewarding partnering and parenting experience."
From "What Our Children Really Need"
"Although fathering is best begun while listening to our babies "heartbeats in utero, tit is never too late to get involved and give our children what they really need. Father child glue can start setting up at any time while rocking our newborns; bathing with our infants; kneeling down to guide our toddlers´ first steps; catching a smile meant just for us; backpacking; reading, dancing, or wrestling with our preschoolers; spending the morning in our first graders? classes; playing checkers or baseball with our fifth graders; or talking about dating with our teenagers."
From "Fathering through the Stages"
"Infancy propels our children toward toddler hood, early childhood toward adolescence and puberty toward young adulthood. As nature would have it, there is magnificent order and purpose in this master plan. While parenting our children through the twists and turns of each new stage of growth, we discover that their needs remain fundamentally the same and that the secret to artful parenting is to strive even harder to meet them. Stretching each step of the way to support our children´s unfolding maturation, we ourselves are transformed over and over again, increasing our self-knowledge and opening us more fully to the inevitability of change. The wonder and glory of it all is that in supporting our children´s development, we grow right along with them."
jheinowitz@cox.net
elleneichler@cox.net
